I was sitting in my car, trying to convince myself to go into work. Recently I had been feeling a sense of dread pulling into the parking lot of my job. But today- today I felt nothing.
Absolutely nothing. And I knew then that something was wrong. I was working at a homeless day shelter, doing work that I felt very passionately about. I had been doing some form of homeless outreach for years now, whether through volunteering or employment. The work was and is very important to me.
I sat in my car, scrambling to find the will to walk through the doors where I knew I'd spend the next 9 hours breaking up fights, calling ambulances for folks that had overdosed, and trying desperately to find nearly non existent resources for clothing, overnight shelter, food and whatever else our clients needed, and all while trying to maintain a positive attitude.
See, the issue wasn't my clients so much as it was the absolute lack of resources to help these individuals, many of whom desperately wanted and needed it.
And this is where the burn out started creeping in. Day after day of seeing 200-300 clients. Families. Elderly people with dementia. Disabled individuals, blind people all with no place to go at the end of the day.
Wondering how many might not be able to get into the night shelter. Quietly grieving when the dementia client stopped showing up and wondering if they had frozen to death in the Wisconsin winter. Trying to treat individuals wounds from frostbite without adequate medical supplies.
I began to withdraw into myself, preoccupied with thoughts of my clients. And with anger.Anger at the situation. The lack of funding to help people. The constant fighting, drug use, prostitution and trauma my clients experienced.
I was losing sleep. I became depressed and irritable. My thoughts were constantly racing and to top it all off I was repeatedly getting physically sick from the exposure to many, many viruses.
I couldn't keep up. I felt numb and angry at the same time and didn't know how to cope. That's when I discovered meditation.
I won't say it cured my burn out. It didn't. But what it did do was give me a piece of my sanity back. I started out very slowly, listening to guided meditations at a Recovery Dharma meeting once a week.
From there I began to explore different guided meditations on dealing with burnout , anxiety and anger. I realized that I was carrying things that weren't mine to hold. I learned how to work with my breath to calm anxiety. How to be present in the moment instead of future tripping on where my clients might end up. I learned how to breathe through my anger as it popped up. I started devoting a few minutes every morning to meditation and became amazed as I realized that it helped me stay more centered throughout the day.
I also realized that I was burned out. I gave it a lot of thought before deciding to look for another job, but I knew that it would be necessary for me to step away for awhile if I expected to help others again. I prayed and meditated around this choice for a couple of months and realized that it was time to let go of the profession for awhile. Deep meditation helped me work through the grief and guilt of leaving my clients and helped me come to the understanding that I needed to care for myself, too.
Today I am at a job that I absolutely adore, and am taking the time to invest in my own small business. I still meditate every day. Twice on the days I don't want to.
Meditation didn't cure my burn out. But it gave me the tools to sit with myself and really look at what I needed. And for that I am forever grateful.
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